In 2015 on my birthday I wished for two things. Uno, dos:
Clarity and Perspective.
I am an avid “journeler”. I have been since I was 8 years old.
The fascinating thing about writing down your thoughts, dreams, sorrows and pain frequently on paper is that you can see clearly how far you’ve come, how much your mind has grown.
When I read my journal entries from the latter of 2015/first half of 2016 and compared them to my journal entries, mood and quality of life for the past couple months, there is a significant change to be noted.
Simplistic, mellow, happiness.
I would love to bring you here with me, but it’s an individual journey to be walked alone.
I had to acknowledge and accept that I was unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled. This took a while to realize, and it was a hard truth to accept. There is so much in our lives which we may use to pacify ourselves, that give us the illusion of happiness and fulfillment. On this side of the hemisphere, our lives are structured to be very fast paced, and highly stimulating…..Distracting. Most people live their entire lives unconsciously, just running through their daily routines on autopilot. Our culture is one of materialism and superficiality to distract us from our mental and emotional reality.
My life has always been like a conveyer belt, one thing after another, highly stimulating. And I liked it that way. I like constant stimulation. Eventually that conveyer belt was feeding me things that provided instant gratification, but i was not being fed nor fulfilled.
Shortly after my birthday in the summer of 2015, things started changing out of my control. I was forced to slow down. I was forced to become conscious. I was forced to become emotionally aware of myself, I was forced to start really seeing where I was in my life and asking questions about how I got here, who are these people I surround myself with and is this where I want to be. Do my surroundings reflect my vision for my life and who I believe myself to be? The answer was no. I wasn’t truly living for me.
Then came a lot of pain, a lot of purging, a lot of endings, revolutions and closed doors. I basically spent a year and a half destroying and rewiring myself. It was long and it was hard, one of the hardest times in my life, but I made it and it was worth it. For the first time in a long time, I really saw myself. I rediscovered myself emotionally, I saw my strength. I learned how to really show up for myself when no one else was there. I learned about my needs, how to communicate what they were and to always ensure I was meeting them before I expected that of anyone else. I learned to heal myself emotionally and bring myself out of depressive moods and anxiety. I learned to be selfish and to give myself the care I was starving myself of and giving to others who did not know how to feed me. I fed myself.
The lessons I learned in 2016 and the growth that I experienced was one of the best things to ever happen to me. Despite what I had to go through, here I am. Better than I’ve ever been with a clear vision, perspective and path.
One day you will wake up and you will realize that if you want change, you have to be the change that you want to see. No one else can do it for you.
It is more about the journey, and less about the destination. How you walk, where you walk, what you leave behind and what you bring with you as you continue along your path is what is important. Enjoy the journey, allow yourself to truly experience every stage so you can understand why you ended up there and the lesson you were meant to learn. Relish in Every moment.
Walk good.
– SNC
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